Beyond Apex

You don’t need me to tell you that dating is more difficult than it has ever been in the modern era. It’s harder than an overdone steak to actually connect with someone and see them often enough to have an exclusive relationship, as everyone with a phone knows. But here’s where dating guidelines are useful: Finding The One is made much easier when you have barriers in place to keep you in your lane and shield you from less straightforward souls.

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Naturally, every individual should have a customized set of dating guidelines based on their personal preferences and requirements. To save you time, energy, and a lot of contradictory feelings, these guidelines should ideally steer you toward healthy relationships and away from ones that might becoming toxic or one-sided (or not relationships at all, a.k.a. situationships). Remember that often the rules you find hardest to follow are also the ones that are most important to follow, so don’t let your own dating rules get in the way of your enjoyment. You have a reason for having them there, girl—have faith in yourself!

Now, I may be able to assist you if you’re having trouble coming up with your own dating guidelines. Unfortunately, you can’t rely on Cupid to work all the magic (if only it were that easy…). I counsel many women (and men!) on how to have a healthy dating life. Here are my top 11 recommendations for dating in the crazy world of contemporary romance. Select the guidelines that apply to you, discard the ones that don’t, and, of course, try different things until you find what works for you. Here, there is no right or wrong.

1. Go out with several individuals at once.

You did hear me, yes! Do yourself a favor and play the field before committing to an agreed-upon monogamous relationship. Because if you don’t, the following is likely to occur: You go out again with someone you really like, things get serious, and then all of a sudden—they either back off, disappear, or tell you they’re not interested in a committed relationship. You’re devastated now because you have so much emotions invested in them, even if they haven’t shown any interest in you. The disappointment aches when you have even the smallest amount of attachment to someone. Place a symbolic egg in many baskets to save yourself the heartache.

2. Make dates brief.

I prefer to advise my customers to avoid going on dates that go more than ninety minutes. Why? That’s not too long to let your mind wander with the thrill of the prospect; it’s just enough time to get a feel for the person and (ideally) sense a spark. Even though dinner dates that unexpectedly evolve into five-hour bar crawls or movie nights can be a lot of fun, they can also leave you feeling lost and confused if the long adventure doesn’t lead to anything.

Not to add, if the date isn’t so amazing, you’re less likely to burn out and give up on it if you go on short dates. Ease up on yourself when it comes to love!

3. Express your want for a partnership up front.

If that’s what you really desire. You can lose a lot of things by keeping your desire to find your forever partner a secret, but there’s nothing to gain from doing so. Two points: one, you’ll need a lot (sometimes a LOT) of time to retain your emotional sanity when the person you’ve been seeing insists on keeping things casual.

Let go of the fear that telling a possible partner you’re interested in a relationship (generally, not with them specifically) would frighten them off or make you appear desperate. You’re doing yourself a favor since anyone who leaves you when you’re forthright about your goals isn’t someone who would remain around over time.

4. Don’t discuss ex-partners on first dates.

An outdated yet wise dating guideline, for good reason: The first few dates should be light and easygoing since talking about prior relationships and breakups gets serious quickly. Indeed, getting to know someone better and developing a deeper connection may be accomplished by learning about their past significant relationship endings and sharing your own. But save it until after the first few dates; there will be plenty of time for that.

Say something like, “I’d be happy to tell you about that stuff when we get to know each other a little better, but for now I’m really enjoying hearing about XYZ,” if they bring up the ex-conversation.

5. Focus on execution rather than in-depth preparation.

I wouldn’t write someone off based on how far (or not far) in advance they initiate a date, but I can absolutely understand why some ladies may not want to accept a last-minute date (or have a Three-Day Rule, or whatever). Some folks simply aren’t very good at planning! And everybody is aware of how busy life can be.

But, if they make plans and then neglect to follow through on them when the time comes, I would take note. You want a responsible adult who is capable of making things happen as well as someone who is sufficiently engaged in the relationship.

Naturally, you should feel free to tell them—or to block their number—if you believe that they frequently contact you only for convenience or if they hardly ever try to express their thoughts to you.